Well, it was bound to happen: I've hit that self-indulgent, melancholy stage.
You know the one, where you think you'll never find anyone else, or that you'll never do better than what you had before, so you ask yourself if it was better to be unhappy and alone forever or unhappy with someone. You may also be a little depressed at the prospect that it was already as good as it gets.
I've started journaling and writing (privately) again, which is a good indication that there's something going on. The worst part is that I still have that intellectual part of me that is sort of watching from a distance, critically evaluating what I'm going through. It would actually be a lot easier if I didn't have that.
I suppose the next step is to spend some time wallowing in my (truly unjustified and rather silly) feeling-sorry-for-myself, hopefully just for the rest of tonight, and then kick out of it. Then I just need to relax and go out in the world again.
Oh, and I have an exam tomorrow. At least I'm prepared.
And yeah, I know its hard to know when to call me, with everything that's going on, all I can say is that my holiday break appears to be free of any obligations. As a bonus, I should be moderately out of this stage in the next couple of days, latest.
Free of commitment.. pshaw.. lest you forget outlines mine friend. :P Have a great break.. break a leg on the test.. and take care!
Do what makes you feel better. If that is wallowing, than wallow dear.
Yeah, it kind of did, but I'm feeling better now.
Are you noticing that a lot of relationships are breaking up right about now? 'Cause law school tends to do that to relationships. A LOT of them. My first year we saw the break-up of countless relationships, including several engagements and even marriages.
Some think its just the pressure of law school. I think that's definitely the catalyst, but more than that, its just that when under the stress and pressure of law school, any underlying problems come to the surface much more quickly.
If its any consolation, law school also tends to bring people full circle. By third year there always seem to be a disturbing number of law school couples (meaning 2 law students) that have been cemented together by the experience. My class alone (190 students) has had at least 10 intra-law school weddings and several more couples that are headed that way soon.**
**I'm not saying this is a good thing. Just a thing. I remember looking around at orientation, not seeing a single person in the room that I found attractive... by graduation, law school goggles had set in and I'd dated several of them... Enjoy!
LOL, law school goggles, I love that. Let's just hope they work on people looking at me, not just vice versa. I may not be too bad, but I'm no Matthew McConaughey. Of course, I'd like to think that it might have something to do with getting to know everyone closely and coming to like them, but I've always been a cynical optimist.
I suppose it's possible for me to make a connection with someone in my class, but I don't know. There are a couple who seem really nice, though I don't know them well enough to know for sure.
Overall, I'm afraid my issue is that I just don't know how to get past the threshold. I may be a nice guy, caring, conscientious (all subjective, admittedly), but the problem is that it's tough to get past the surface. I'm afraid that my shyness also appears to be snootyness as well. I think I need to have a T-shirt made or something.
And I wish I could blame law school; it would be easy to point the finger. Regretfully, I think this is something that has been coming for a long time, even if I didn't want to see it. Hell, I ran into a mutual acquaintance who heard about the break-up and he said that he saw it coming after the first year. The bottom line is that as much emotion as was there, we simply weren't going in the same direction. School may have highlighted that, but it wasn't the cause.
I appreciate your support a great deal, Single. Particularly as someone who really understands what the last couple months have been like.
As for the shyness coming off as snootyness thing, by the end of law school, you can't help but get to know a lot of people far beyond "first impressions". Anyway, I'm far from advocating a law school relationship. Just saying that there tends to be a nature ebb and flow of things in law school. First year is when everyone ends old relationships (for whatever reasons), second year is when people start dating that you would've never seen coming, add in the slew of bad-idea hook-ups, and then by third year quite a few people will settle back into "serious" relationships. Again, some of those will last beyond lawschool and some not.
But when you're feeling melancholy about the break-up, maybe you can take heart in knowing that its sort of just another part of the hell that is first-year. An awful lot of people end up going through it between about now and Feb-Mar.
And don't worry, the law school goggles work all around. In my school, the girls (as a whole) were the more attractive bunch, and yet several of us found ourselves crying over "lesser-caliber" guys during the course of law school. I look back now, without the goggles, and think, wow, and I somehow found it in myself to be attracted to THAT goober... ;)
Anyway, chin up. You're almost through the very worst part of the whole process. After this semester, I bet you REALLY come to love law school. Yes, I said "love". It's true. I miss it myself. I'm actually a bit jealous.
New goal: I will be that goober!
Heh! Regardless of the personal stuff going on, I must say that I already love law school. I may not be the top of my class (though I suspect I won't be too far away) but regardless, I never thought I'd be so happy working 15 hours a day. I love all the learning that I do and I love talking with my classmates about the things we're learning.
I know I'm just at the early stages, and I'm sure our conversations would seem presumptuous and juvenile to the 2-3Ls and, you know, actual lawyers, but I am having the time of my life. I may almost regret when I have to go into practice and will likely have to specialize instead of being able to do a little of everything.
But, I wax loquacious, as is my wont. Bottom line: I'm happy. Apart from a few little sidetracks (of which this original post is an example), all is going well. I love my life, and I don't regret much in my past, which everyone should remember when I act miserable. Sometimes I simply have to wallow for a bit to recover from bouts of self-indulgient melancholia. Sorry about that.