Fun With Spammers

I've heard of other people having a good time with the Nigerian Scam. I got one and likewise thought I might entertain myself a little. Here's the original letter:

From: Roland Smith [mailto:rolandsmith@i12.com]
Sent: Tuesday, July 26, 2005 6:24 AM
Subject: [SPAM-H] PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL

PERSONAL AND CONFIDENTIAL

Dear Williams

I am Barrister Roland Smith an advocate and Solicitor. I am the Personal Attorney to Mr. Fredrick Williams a foreigner, who used to work with European Development Company in Nigeria. On The 21st of April 2001,my client, his wife and their three children were involved in a car accident along Sagbama Express Road. All occupants of the vehicle unfortunately lost their lives.

Since then I have made several enquiries to his embassy to see if I can locate any of my clients extended relatives, this has all the while proved unsuccessful. After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his relatives (i.e. same surname) over the Internet, to locate any member of his family but of no avail, hence I contacted you. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money left behind by my client before it is confiscated or declared unserviceable by the bank where this huge deposit were lodged.

Particularly, the Bank where the deceased had an account valued at about 15.5 million dollars has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin to the deceased or have the account confiscated within the next twenty one official working days.

Since I have been unsuccessful in locating the relatives for over 2 years now I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you are still a foreigner, so that the proceeds of this account valued at $15.5million USD can be paid to you and then you and me can share the money, 60% to I and 35% to you, while 5% should be for expenses or tax as your government may require. I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back up any claim we may make.

All I require is your honest cooperation to enable us seeing this deal through. I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Best regards,
Barrister Roland Smith
Roland Smith Chamber (Attorney at law)
143 Randi Street, SW, Ikoyi,
Lagos-Nigeria.

PLEASE REPLY TO THIS EMAIL ADDRESS: rolandsmith300@hotmail.com

Now, here's my response:

Dear Mr. Smith:

I read your proposal with great interest. You see, I'm a student of the law here in the United States. I'm interested in learning about how things work in other countries, especially as I may be looking for a job on graduation.

As I read, I was filled with sympathy for the plight of your client. I feel terribly sorry for this poor multi-millionaire and his family, their lives of privilege cut short by an instant of reckless driving. My sympathy grew as it seemed you were leading up to me being the heir of this unfortunate family. But then I kept reading and, to my disappointment, I'm still poor. That's when the tears came.

But I'm better now, and I've had the chance to look over your proposal. It appears you would like to knowingly and falsely present me as a next-of-kin of your client so that you can get a bunch of his money. I can only assume that the laws of Nigeria provide that if a person dies without heirs, his property reverts to the state.

I'm only a student, so I don't know much about finances, or the law, or ethics. It does appear, though, that you are trying to defraud the Nigerian government out of 15.5m dollars (your letter was unclear what nation's currency). Right now, you have disclosed a plan, and said that you have the means to accomplish it, which would make you guilty of solicitation to conspiracy in this country. I don't know what kind of treaties our two countries have, but I may be immune from Nigerian prosecution. You, sir, are not that fortunate.

What's more, I have a very high level of personal disappointment in your behavior. You see, here in the U.S., a lot of people go to law school to help people or to make the world a better place. We have pretty high ideals here about the rule of law. Sure, we don't always execute it properly, and some of us aren't very nice people, but we try.

You, sir, are the very personification of what every decent, hard-working lawyer in the world (which is a description of most lawyers) fights against. You are corruption incarnate. You are trying to get money to which you are not entitled and haven't worked for. I'm sure if you have unpaid legal bills, you could put a lien on the estate or something. Hell, you probably could have fraudulently done that and come away with a pretty good chunk with little risk, but no, you had to get greedy. You wanted the whole pie.

Well, the law is a self-policing profession, and I have an obligation to report your behavior. I'll be forwarding your email to the Nigerian embassy in my city. At the very least I hope you are disbarred. You are a disgrace to our noble profession.

Good day, sir.

MW

I'll keep you all updated on what kind of response I get.